Well, at least I know I'm on the right track...

So I worked really late last night again doing AC/Gaffer work which is always a joy. Got home at 3:30am and ate a bowl of cereal before heading to bed next to a phlegm filled and very sick girlfriend. Slept a good 7 hours and besides my back feeling a bit like it's being snapped in half I don't feel all that bad. But I was troubled by this crazy epic dream I had.

The dream was this: I was with my friend Tyler and we were in San Diego both walking around with our Digital SLRs, I believe the Canon 5d (something definitely on my wish list) but it's not important. We were working for someone, I'm not sure who, but we basically had to gather a bunch of stock images, and it wasn't just a fun photography shoot. There was the element of a deadline and the ever present anxiety about hoping what images you capture will be well received and liked (think how you felt in high school everyday when you were getting dressed).

At first I was doing well, and we were having a blast. We stopped at some taco stand, had a great taco, then took pictures of the tacos and head out to catch a quick beauty shot of the sea as the sun set over the horizon.

Then we were back at an office cubicle setup trying to download some images and catchup. This is when I realized I am a retard. I apparently wasn't shooting images, but rather small video clips of the things I was seeing. In other words, I didn't know how to use the camera.

As is often the case in dreams, I was quickly whisked away again to being on location and trying to shoot. But the anxiety overcame me and I couldn't shoot anything. Not only was the technology of the camera so overwhelming that I felt like I was incapable of using it, I felt as if every time I looked through the lens, or saw the viewfinder of what I had just shot it looked like something a total amateur had snapped. A glance at Tyler and the disappointment and frustration on his face was enough to send me into a panic. And with this panic is how I woke up.

I still consider this a good dream though. It's just my subconscious screwing with me and keeping me humble. I know that when I shoot, good images are generally produced, and ironically I'm sure Tyler himself would agree with that. It has to do with my uncertain future. As I delve further down into the rabbit hole of a career in creative endeavors there is always going to be some trepidation about performance. If you didn't have this, it probably means you don't care enough. And it probably means you aren't on the right track. This anxiety is like a sign post, as is most fear in our lives. If you go for the things you fear you'll not only conquer them but you'll also usually be surprised at how NOT frightening it actually was.

So once the panic subsided and all I could focus on was the horrible pain in my back, still present as I scribe this, I know that small fear of failure for the short films I've written and will be directing, or the photography work I have coming up, or the design work, or the writing, or anything, is completely unfounded and only exists because of an irrational fear.

So, off I go, into the uncharted... facing my fears, one at a time.